The Worst Flash Game Level Ever

 I have returned to vent. Ever since NewGrounds adopted the Ruffle emulator, it has become easier to play games hosted on their website, so obviously I check in every now and again to see what becomes available again. One of the games I wanted to revisit the most was Abobo's Big Adventure, a premiere title that is not only an amazing title, but one I managed to 99%.

To be more specific, I have unlocked all of the secret metals, and everything but one in particular, and now I'm gonna pour my soul over one of the most unforgiving medal objectives that I ever encountered. The stage in question is Pro Wrabobo, one of the only stages that has two parts, a Balloon Fight stage, and a Pro Wrestling stage. Now, the stage itself is standard enough, the first half mainly, just survive to the end, or make sure you don't lose your lives.

There're two achievements of note, Balloon Master, where you make it to the end without dying once, it's something I managed to achieve. Then there's Balloon Jedi... fuck. If you haven't guessed, make it to the end of the Balloon Fight section without getting hit once. Yes, avoid getting hit in a long stretch where you can get hit at any possible angle, and have the boss fire a triple direction beam, and lightning spheres that one-hit kill you, and jousters that are one step ahead of you and you need to time your position while keeping everything else in mind.

In other words, it's the makings of a fucking miserable task.

There is no real strategy to this, most I get was killing Thrilla Gorilla, hit Amazon once, kill the first jouster and get the balloon so you can get your rage meter filled. Use it first on the area where Blob is seen; Blob follows you if you don't kill it and you can find yourself landing in enemy fire just to avoid him, a truly hellish scenario.

It is incredibly easy to get hit in this, and because of how strict the terms are for the achievement, it is gonna be hell to accomplish. Now, it's understandable to get hit, but what amplifies the frustration factor is getting taken down by the exact same enemy constantly. It happened to me with the balloon jouster, and it led me to waste my rage move just to kill the bastard one time.

The furthest I ever got was to the Reaper, only to get defeated by a jouster, and I was never able to get that far again. One should not be discouraged by a few defeats, but I have faced defeat... I lost count, but I'd estimate somewhere in the high twenties. It went on for so long and often ending at the exact same place, I gave up. I will have a 99% for my achievements for the game, and that is never gonna change, I do not want to go through that hell ever again. I won't feel satisfied getting it, the stress and irritation won't justify anything, I'd have nothing to show for it.

I could clear the Contra stage without dying once, I am able to clear the first boss through a strategy, I beat the second stage without losing the protective shield, and I can't even get close to defeating this stage without taking damage, even by trolling standards this is a fucking low blow. Let's put it like this. The last stage in Super Mario 63 (edge of the kingdom, whatever it's called), it is difficult, but the hardest part is over before you know it, and it's really down to good timing. I've been able to beat that stage plenty of times with no issue. This, this is harder than that stage.

It is the kind of goal that makes me appreciate Flanders Killer 7 being available to play again. No wonder video games were linked to violence.

Cursed Jimmy Neutron Games

 It seems Jimmy Neutron had no luck when it came to the world of gaming. Now sure, Jet Fusion and Attack of the Twonkies are still fun to play, with the latter essentially being the definitive Jimmy Neutron game, they along with many others had aspects that make it, well, cursed.

But that isn't the most cursed thing when it comes to Jimmy Neutron, because its Nick.com games are something to truly behold.

Now unfortunately I only have access to three games in terms of providing footage. I do remember playing another one years ago, but three games are all that's necessary here.

These games likely came out before The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron debuted, as every game was based on the Jimmy Neutron shorts airing before then.

Before I get into it, I'd like to use this image to get you into the cursed spirt.

One character's face is indicative of how I feel, which one do you think it is?

Let me just make this clear. Jimmy Neutron doesn't translate well to flash games. Now, they didn't use a 2D style, no, they converted the 3D models to artifacts in these games, leading to choppy movement and unintentionally wonky facial expressions. The results are practically meme-worthy depending on your perspective.

Ultralord Vs. The Squirrels

Basically a PacMan clone which also gives you the ability to shoot projectiles at the enemies, along with the typical power-pellet stand-in, and the only way to beat it wholesale is to get an Ultralord action figure after collecting every dot.

The short this is based on... held up kinda poorly, so technically this game is a bit better plot wise?

While many Nickelodeon games were either basic or clones of popular arcade titles, they did introduce new aspects to differentiate them from their better known components. I will say this, it's not a direct PacMan clone.

As mentioned before, along with your power pellet, you have the ability to collect and fire projectiles, the power pellet stand-in (the hypnobeam) doesn't appear in the same place every time, you can still get hurt by enemies before collecting one last item to finish the level, and we get an unbeatable enemy, Carl and a hoard of spiders.

I can excuse some aspects because they were just using assets from the short this was based off of, but this includes cutscenes, which put this into a cursed tier.

Jank is wank.

New Dog, Old Tricks

Basically Simon. Only thing really interesting about this is the animations.

Simon says... quit.

Lightspeed Liftoff

Okay, this isn't based on an existing Jimmy Neutron short, but it's the most interesting compared to all of these. I can sum it up with its title card.

I have several questions.

Without a short to go by, I have no idea what the context behind this is. Jimmy Neutron starts by streaking in his underwear collecting random stuff. Then the point of this is to launch himself into space? That's about it.

With this image, I imagine Jimmy went through a failed experiment that cost him his clothes, and he has to make it home before someone sees him. Or he was dared into doing it.

Plus the game is janky, cheap-looking, the whole alphabet soup. This is the lowest point.

Sorry about the formatting issue

 I had it set to the wrong draft format. I'm gonna fix the effected pages before writing a new one.

Trick Or Treat Beat

And I couldn't leave this blog off without a proper Halloween-themed review, so I'm gonna hit the biggest possible one, one in relation to Cartoon Network because I have it on the Brain.

This is one of many crossover CN games released in the early-2000s (ballparking to around 2003 when many of these shows aired.) What I didn't know until now was that this was a Codename: Kids Next Door game at some point, both were released for the record.

It shows its age, but aside from the different characters and level layouts, it's basically the same game down to the objectives and abilities. Our crop of characters in the crossover version include Dexter, Ed, Edd n' Eddy, Johnny Bravo and Sheep from Sheep in the Big City (ironically that show was made by the same studio behind KND.)

The gameplay goes the same for both versions, you play a nameless child as you hunt for coins, candy and a bonus super coin to complete each level. There're five neighborhoods with four areas each. That alone along with where each item lies can bring your total gameplay time to half an hour, also no save points, it has to be done in one shot.

The schtick behind this game is that you can switch between five different costumes. The skeleton, default, allows you to open locked gates (get it? Skeleton, skeleton key?), Frankenstein's monster (I'm woke to that), can smash through most rocks, and trash cans, the Creature from the Black Lagoon can swim in bodies of water, Dracula can fly over most trees, bushes and land elevations, and the witch can turn ghost trick-or-treaters into frogs, and I won't go into the implication on that.

Thankfully, none of these costumes are underutilized, they are integral to getting everything in each level. There is some strategy to the costumes, where you have to switch between the more useful ones at the right spots, otherwise face a great deal of backtracking to get one you need at the risk of running out of time.

To progress to the next level you need to get every coin, the candy and super coin exist for extra challenge and an earlier release, less you want to run the clock. While these are typically in the open, there's some problem solving to get more, like flying to certain enclaves between bushes as Dracula to get some stray pieces, stopping by the front of houses, breaking rocks or trash cans to expose either items, going to the aforementioned characters for either, or looking in wells and dog houses.

Oh, and the ghosts you change leave behind candy too, and can block your way if left untouched, plus them moving can be a challenge when you want to lay a good hit. With the distance between costume changes and lack of certainty where every item is, sometimes you'd be cutting it close, but there is some motivation to 100%ing.

The graphics look quite good for a Shockwave game, it could even pass as a GBA game, though the kid does look creepy with those soulless pure black eyes, but what do I know? If you want a challenge, hope your computer can run Shockwave.

Powerpuff Girls: Girl Power

This isn't a continuation of my cursed Shockwave game entry, I doubt I'd find anything as cursed and official as the previous two. Though I do have something fairly weird by today's standards, and those of the year it came out's standards.

If I had to guess, Girl Power came out during the Chris Savino era of PowerPuff Girls. It's easy to identify which era each game came out (whether it be by the character style or graphics.), the cleanliness of the latter here provides credence to this, and puts it above Shockwave standards, though the game is still... something.

It's so simple yet so weird at the same time, and why am I just telling you. To start, you get to chose to play as either of the PowerPuff Girls, but for a lack of stats and the gameplay which I'll soon get into, it's just for show. They could've easily swapped between three characters automatically given the amount of levels here.

So you pick a character and you fly through a jarringly empty Townsville. There's no time limit, so you can fly for hours if you choose not to go anywhere. You have to find a villain hideout, it being marked by a skull and crossbones. Once you go in you then have to fly to the enemy. I assume the empty town was merely a map of sorts and not indicative of the town, and you have to dodge flying obstacles, I mean you could punch them but you have such wide areas to dodge in. Points for throwing in an attempt at a challenge, but it's negligible. Then we get to the boss fights and well, you could see for yourself.

The enemy never moves, its arm however does. It goes for the following enemies too, Fuzzy Lumpkins and... I'm assuming the fat member of the Gang Green Gang is named Billy? In the final stretch, the skull and crossbones is replaced with a tombstone for some reason. Either this indicates the last level, or they wanted to give a very weird implication.

And the moment you finish, the game boots back to the start like nothing ever happened. Only thing more I can talk about is the sound. It's 90% quiet, save for when you hit stuff or get hit. During the boss fight, you hear a random girl say "Oops." It can pass for Buttercup or Blossom worst case, but just know this isn't the only game to use this, it happened in a pillow fight PPG game and it was normal compared to this. Flaws are certainly apparent in this game, but I've seen worse, especially with PPG, and I'll be back with another... someday.

Two Cursed Shockwave Games

Please note these games run on outdated software, unless you have the know-how, these games cannot be played through casual means.

I'm going to assume you're all familiar with the concept of cursed commercials, commercials that stick out for the wrong reasons. If not check out Chadtronic for a crash course. Chad may have me beat when it comes to reviewing commercials, but whether anyone knows it or not, I'm gonna start digging where no one had really attempted before.

Cursed flash games.

As a challenge, I won't review fan-made stuff, it wouldn't be fair for me to mock something someone did for fun (let alone people who can accomplish more than I), no, I'm gonna go after what was officially licensed, the world of those old flash games you've seen on kids network websites.

Be real, we all visited Nick.com or CartoonNetwork.com when we were kids and played their games, I mean they still have games but none up to par. For any game, even old Shockwave ones, it's easy to determine their age based on certain nuances, though age won't save how poorly they look nowadays. But trust me, even by simple flash/shockwave game standards the ones I'm gonna single out look plain awful.

So for one of each, let's get into this.

Ed Edd n' Eddy: Sewer Rat Balloon Bash

Already the title is giving me mixed signals, reminds me of a certain era of YouTube. I have no specification on the date since the Archive.org link for it goes as far back as 2011. This would go for this and the next game, but I'm gonna assume this came out when the show was relatively new, 2000 the latest. There was an article for this on the Ed, Edd n' Eddy wiki but it got deleted, along with articles for other games.

There're two modes to this game, as implied by the title.

In the first, you play as Ed, where you're suspended in the air by a rope held by Edd and have to evade three rows of rats to collect bottles for cash. It seems harmless enough, that is until Ed takes damage. Just know it sounds absolutely nothing like Ed. I have a feeling it's a stock sound, which is why I heard it in a freeware game as well. The rat rounds end after you get ten bottles, there's no time limit, which is good since the challenge lies in how long Edd can hold you before his arms give out.

Then there's the second mode. It's a water-balloon fight between Eddy and one of the Kankers. You may think it's Lee, but it's actually Marie. You have to assume this game was made sometime after the series first aired, Cartoon Network would've had the full context to how it's supposed to go down by now. Sure, I consider Marie to be my favorite of the Kankers, but consistency is all I ask. Ironically in another Ed, Edd n' Eddy Shockwave game Edd faces off against Lee, though that goes with the episode the game was based on.

Things go off, and I imagine your eyes are drawn to the picture of Eddy with severe arthritis. The look doesn't justify the game. Like many games of this format it's just a simple JPEG moving about, I heard of people who can't draw hands, but not both hands and arms. Plus Marie's screams are something to behold.

And it just keeps on going until you die. I mean literally the game's on loop it's a point grind. Went from kinda cursed to pretty cursed, that's like a 6/10.

Spongebob SquarePants: Run for the Krusty Krab

Before I give my thoughts, here's a testimony from someone part of a SpongeBob forum that potentially predates SBMania.

"This is honestly one of the worst games I've ever played. It seems like the makers never watched a single episode of SpongeBob. The jellyfish don't look at all like the ones on the show. The only moves SpongeBob has are jump and duck. The controls are delayed much, and the gameplay is terrible. All you do is avoid jellyfish and jump over stuff. And to make it worse, the difficulty level is very high. The only good thing about this game is that the graphics are sharp." -United Spongebob - 2002

I had seen the SpongeBob games of old, and for many of them, they were consistent, even ones that were slightly off seemed legitimate. For this game, it's uncanny, made worse by the fact that this was on Nickelodeon's official website. Some speculated this game came out in the year 2000, though I have a feeling this might've been made while SpongeBob was still being conceptualized, and the designers were going by notes, accounting for the in-game oddities. The basic idea behind this is that you have to get SpongeBob to Mr. Krabs, the kicker is that you have to run and leap over obstacles. Simple stuff, aside from the fact that the game is unbelievably brutal.

The key to this game is momentum, without it you can't clear most obstacles. You have to keep running because obstacles could be centimeters within one another, and you'd be unable to turn back to get a running start. Even as early as level 2 the game does you dirty.

Think I'm being over-the-top because the cool reviewers do it, here, you tell me if this is hyperbole:

You have to dodge a jellyfish, jump over a moat and a tall barricade, and you have to keep your momentum. You have three abilities, run, jump and duck, but ducking is underutilized. That barricade in the cap above, you can't duck under it. I imagine there're obstacles that'd work with it in later levels, but nobody I know of has ever made it that far. Through my experience and I'm certain many others, we've died at level 2. I imagine the programers never made a proper ending so they had to make the game so difficult to get through that nobody would see their lack of progress. I spoiled it in the cap above, but let me sum up the design in one other.

It's clear the developers only took the smallest amount of notes on most of the designs. Mr. Krabs looks fine, for a JPEG, but SpongeBob looks like he isn't finished. His craters are not so apparent (they look like boils almost), and when it comes to jellyfish, it doesn't even look like the jellyfish as they appeared in Tea at the Treedome. It's a straight up IRL jellyfish, almost. If I had to give the game anything, the graphics are admittedly nice for a game like this. Cursed only for the fact that they give you one level to beat and for the fact that they obviously didn't consult the staff on the show, this is like a 5/10.

So what other official cursed games are out there? I could use some material.

Taking Over

Rise and shine. Not to imply you've been sleeping for all these years, how could anyone have slept? Everyone here had blanked off the face of this blog, except for me. Failed creepiness aside, since no one is running this blog anymore, safe to say, I'm in charge now. I've got a review I've posted so stay tuned. I'm running dry on general media for the time being so I'm gonna try to focus on flash games until the Christmas season.